February 27, 2021
By Julianne Hudson
Why does it feel like I can’t even breathe right now? I feel like every time I think, I begin to weep. My heart starts to sink and I cannot seem to hold it together.
Ever been here? Maybe you lost someone near to your heart. Maybe your dream came to a ceasing halt. A friend left you. You lost your job. Things didn’t turn out how you wanted them to. Whatever the circumstance, it’s as if time has stopped and you are told you must go on. You feel hurt even more because people keep asking when you will get back to your old self. But what if you never do?
What if grief changes me, and that’s something I just have to live with? How can I move on knowing I won’t see them again?
Whether grief hits you out of nowhere or creeps up on you more slowly, it impacts you. Grief changes you. It leaves you feeling overwhelmed–alone, depressed, and shocked.
The words of those who love you morph into a cloud of thoughts, and you can’t even distinguish who is speaking to you because you feel stuck. It can feel as if everyone can move on and press forward as if nothing ever happened. But you feel paralyzed and you just can’t imagine moving on, let alone taking a step forward.
I wish grief didn’t exist. We shouldn’t feel like we have to grieve a specific way. We are uniquely designed so we will uniquely grieve. I sat in my grief. I didn’t answer messages for weeks. I stared at a wall and cried a whole lot. Then I cried even more. I wished I were at the scene of the accident instead of my friend. I cried when I saw her work coat still sitting in her chair. I questioned why God would take her and the baby. I wondered, why now? I sobbed at the funeral and couldn’t even digest the words of her family. Then I prayed. I prayed a whole lot. I felt like prayer was all I needed. It made me feel close to God when I was feeling so distant from those around me.
Then I realized that sometimes our breaking point is where we end up closest to God. I’m the type of person who always has a smile on my face. I always have something positive to say because I believe there is a rainbow that emerges after every storm. But this broke me in a way I didn’t expect. I tried to keep it together and I just couldn’t. I needed to give my grief to Jesus. So here I am, still grieving, but with hope. It took me some time to give it to Jesus but it’s all I ever needed to do to walk into a season of healing.
I trust my friend is in a better place. I trust in God’s healing touch. I know for me, feeling the grief is far better than pretending to be fine. I trust that even if I fall back into grief, I will be okay. I want to encourage you to ask yourself, “What do I do when grief emerges in my life?” Pray about it and try handing it over to Jesus. Grief will always be with us, but with His mighty power, we can live with it. We can press forward and find peace knowing we are not alone.